We trundle along in silence -
a tense, companional silence
neither wants to break for fear
of what we will say.
Pressure hangs in the air. The
words we keep swallowing down
hang long and hard and tight
on our cold and heavy hearts.
We never let our eyes meet -
the black contracting pupils
constricted by the pool of tears,
thinking of what we're moving
from and moving to - moving
alone, without the safety net
we bring to one another. And
as I see the lights come
closer, I'm the one to
shatter silence - "I'm sorry,"
I tell him - {at least it's
honest} "It's over, isn't
it?" He asks.
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©2007-2009 ~thisgirl32
Author's Comments
Well, I haven't submitted anything in a while.
I wrote this some time ago, {at least a year ago from the content of the comments I'd added to the paper I first drafted it on} but only recently edited it to the state of completion it's in now. I really like the idea behind this piece, but I do feel it could be more... polished? What do you people think about the enjambment and the general punctuation - I think it adds to the effect but I'm also conscious that it can sometimes just look like a way to stop a poem looking boring on the page. Comments, critiques and criticisms more than welcome. |
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February 4, 2007
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Comments
The flow of the story is good, the emotion is clear and I like the punctuation, it's clean. However, I think this would work better as prose, instead of poetry.Also the general theme is a bit cliche. That's not always a problem - you can turn a bad cliche into a good story if you make it original.
You didn't do this with this piece, it's just feels like it could be anyone's story, there's nothing new or unique about it.
You general writing style is good and you don't have to change the themes, as long as you find a way to make them your own.
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