Tied to my eyes are the views that I see,
the world that continous through
drug induced pain. Tied to my
heart comes bitter sweet sleeping -
no matter what happens it happens
again.
Pinned to a door comes entrance and
exits. The failing and falling of
people like me. And you say
I should watch them, consider
my own fate. Do I deserve this?
Quite possibly.
Blood that runs deep is surely
quite simple. Without it, to lose it,
you'd quite surely die. Yet mortal cravings
like chocolate and coffee
creates a stong aroma of white
yellow sky.
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©2004-2010 ~thisgirl32
Author's Comments
Spontaneous. Completely unthought through, and written with a cold interior. Comments welcome.
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November 29, 2004
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Comments
--
"Im sorry miss, but you're fired"
"Why?"
"For having unprotected sex with company oranges"
~written-from-within
Interesting poem, the narrative voice feels quite original and powerful. The structure works very nicely. The imagery is a bit clichéd and abstract, but the abstractness does its trick surprisingly well here. I still wish the first stanza and the title were a bit more concrete. I'm having a hard time reading "Totality" without connecting it with kung fu games or something equally silly.
The repetition of "quite" and "surely" in the last stanza (and the line before it) bothers me, I assume it's intentional but it sounds weird. The beginning of the last stanza is actually the only part of the poem that I find distractive. The actual ending is good, even though it left me very puzzled. There's one typo you should fix, "possably" when it should be "possibly".
See you next week!
--
Does it really matter?
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